Affection. You know that feeling, right?

The question is: WHAT makes you feel that way about someone? Is it a true feature that someone holds or an imagined picture in your head about them?

I was in front of screen, busy with my work. Suddenly interrupted by him, I accidentally spilled my thoughts. I don’t do it often… Only then did I saw it in his eyes.

He’s been so cheerful around me ever since. Finding excuses to talk to me, only gently, so that I wouldn’t find out. But I knew already. I always know.

You pretend not to see, of course, because it’s easier that way. It’s a bit of fun and you don’t mind really. You quite like him and enjoy talking to him, even though not talking to him wouldn’t do any difference to you.

Sometimes you feel uncomfortable, but sometimes flattered somehow. So you try to be nice and you engage more and more, starting to say things that you wouldn’t say to anyone else.

Where does it lead you?

You start wondering what is there that he likes about you so much. Is it real? Is it going to bore him one day? Will he still like you when you make a stupid mistake? Will he still like you when he sees your true face? How long is it going to last? Will he loathe you for all the features that he used to love you for? I don’t know if it’s real and how much sincerity is in it.

Feeling overwhelmed and dizzy most of the time, he finds it inappropriate. Afraid of a bond that might form between us, he backs out. With regret, though. Once showing me affection, now he ignores me. Heavy-hearted, he pops the soap bubble, unknowingly pouring his bitterness all over me. And it hurts.

I slowly shut down like a sunflower.

I’m back

Hi everyone. I haven’t been here for a while, as there was a lot going on in my life and I simply didn’t have time to write. But I’ve missed you all dearly and I have a lot to tell you (I mean the stories I ‘store’ in my head).

So, I’m back now. Even though I’m not sure how this blog should look like and how to continue it. But I’ll figure it out. I’m still quite busy and I’m writing the last chapter of my poetry collection, that’s why I may not post regularly. Bear with me, though, don’t go anywhere. I still have a lot to tell you… I have to let my voice out.

Now, enjoy the story.

So, I met a girl.

She was dark and mysterious with the look in her eyes saying: ‘I’m tough, nothing can bring me down.’ She walked with confidence, not smiling, not showing any weakness. Turned out, that was just a shell, just an impression.

I had no intention to meet her closer, I didn’t want that. She was intimidating and scary to me. Just the fact I could watch her from afar was more than enough to me. Her beauty and her ignorance were putting me off.

How did it happen then? How did I meet her?

It just happened because things just happen in life.

As soon as we started talking, I quickly realized she wasn’t what she’d appeared to be. It was just a mask that she’d put on every day to protect herself. And how can I blame her? People are cruel, people don’t understand, they don’t like otherness. And she was, indeed, different.

She was very sensitive, lonely, lost and deeply unhappy. I could only guess her reasons for that. Despite the fact she was true and always said what she was feeling and thinking, I knew she wasn’t completely honest with me. There was something more to that. And I couldn’t quite point it out.

She told me once that I can always speak to her when I feel like I need a friend. But it wasn’t me who needed a friend and I knew that. I did nothing, though. She was giving me signals that I ignored.

Didn’t I want her to be my friend? Maybe.

The truth is, she was intense. Very intense. Difficult to speak to sometimes. Too sensitive and emotional. She needed to be taken care of. And I’m SO the wrong person to do it. (Even plants die with me.)

Did I want her gone? Maybe.

And so she is. Gone. Now I’m wondering if it was my fault. Maybe I should engage more in that relationship. You don’t meet someone whom you can have a true connection with every day. I know that now. You miss it once you had it.

I wish I’d never known her the way I had.

But is it really true?

Of course it isn’t. She was my emotional reflection in the mirror. She knew about me more that I know. Right from the start she knew what I was. She revealed my true name. So, after all, she was my biggest blessing.