Only

You look at me. And what do you see?

You see what you want to see. You create the image that you want to create. You’ve already made up your mind about me.

And when I suddenly speak up, you’re surprised because you thought I could only nod my head politely with agreement.

You’re surprised when I climb a mountain because the look on my face clearly indicated that I’d been lost in woods.

And you’re shocked when I cover my hands with dirt because you thought the only thing I could do was to put my lipstick on.

I’ve given everything to the world, not expecting anything in return, only to become a person that you cannot see.

How many years have I been here? Where have I been before? How did they find me, if I’d been covered up by snow?

I only grow on the land that I’ve been allied to. When you pull me out, there is nothing to quench my thirst. I wither.

wise are the witches

Why didn’t you kiss me?

Once again, she went for a long walk, wanting to think things through, wanting to run away from everything she felt. But walking wasn’t helping anymore. There were questions in her head she wouldn’t ever get rid off.

How do you know that your decisions are right? You shake your hand with a person who has been a stranger to you, yet you two have everything in common. Waiting for them to speak up first, you let them go. Why don’t you speak up first?

Standing on a hill and looking at a town that used to be his, she can’t help but think about the only man she fell in love with. It’s been so many years and she still remembered his smile.

‘Why didn’t you kiss me?’ she asked, staring down the valley, knowing he must be somewhere, hoping he hears her words.

Would have her life been easier, if he’d kissed her? Would have she been less confused, if he’d kissed her? Would have she been happier, if he’d kissed her? Would have anything changed, if he’d kissed her?

‘Why didn’t he kiss me?’ she asked again, but there was no answer. Only the wind blew in her face, hurting her skin, throwing leaves at he feet.

Knowing

Once upon a time there was a girl. She read a lot of books and studied hard every subject at school. She was good at everything she did and everyone had told her that she would achieve a great success in the future.

Spending every evening in her room, she read more and more books. As she read them, surprisingly, the world became more and more complicated and enigmatic. She kept going, though, because she’d been told that knowledge is important.

Once there was a competition in class. The girl answered correctly every question and won it. The whole class and the teacher gave her applause. Only then did she realize that knowing everything she actually knew nothing.

Only then did she realize that everything she learned from the books was useless for the life she wanted to have.

You lost everything

Yes. I lost everything.

Because I wanted to have a piece of heaven only for myself, and I wasn’t happy in the place I lived. I wasn’t content with myself. I wanted more.

Because I recklessly left everything behind, chasing up the rising sun, and not thinking about the consequences that a twilight might bring.

Because I hoped life was something more than this. I thought life was something more than enduring in a bottomless space where you cannot fly.

Because I wanted peace with the world and silence in the house.

So selfish.

So ungrateful.

I lost everything.

should I give up my dream?

Black skies

I finally stepped out of my comfort zone only to trip over some pieces of porcelain you smashed this morning, wanting me to cut my skin. I kept walking, even though my feet were bleeding, for a saw top of the mountain. It was calling my name.

Suddenly, you grew a wall, high to the skies, so that I couldn’t see anything. My thoughts spinning, spinning, spinning. I fainted.

Lying on the ground I could still feel the touch of the grass, I could see leaves dancing on the wind and airplanes that always caught their dreams.

Then, you threatened to devour it all. The skies, the sun, the trees, the wind and the oceans. I wept bitterly for the beauty I missed on. It was already too late…

Have I ever truly lived, though?

Northern soul

You probably don’t go back to that day. You may not even remember it. But I do.

The day I saw you, even though I thought I would never see you again. The day my heart froze for half a second.

Since that time I cannot stop thinking about you. I cannot stop thinking about all those mistakes that led me to a shore where I grasp for air, where I try to blink the tears away.

My soul longs for you. Although I don’t know where you are, I hope to meet you some day at the other side of the ocean. There everything blooms.

Where would I go?

You probably know what you want in your life. I mean… most of the time. You know what you want to do after work today, you know where you want to go on your holiday, you know what car you want to buy, you know that you want to have a partner and children. But do you know what you really need?

I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew what I needed. Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I know nothing.

I finally broke out of the suspension that made me miserable for quite a long time. I had planned my future in my dreams and now was the time to make those plans true. But in your dreams everything is easier.

I approached my new life and I knew what to do. Yet I was stood there, tears running down my face hiding behind a mask I worn that day because I didn’t want anyone to read my emotions. I wasn’t well that day. I wanted to drop everything and just leave. Get in my car and drive somewhere far away where thoughts don’t exist. But there’s no such place, is it?

Of course, I didn’t do it… What would I do? Where would I go? My inner self wanted to go to woods and walk until I would find myself. But I’m not a wolf. I’m a scaredy-cat, I wouldn’t survive there.

Afar

When I look at the sky at night, and the stars are shining bright, I think about you because we first met when the night was deep and cold. The town lights on the other side of the river gave us hope and the warmth we’d seeked.

But we could only watch it from afar for we’d been expelled from the place with cracked paths surrounding the trees whose leaves had been singing for us every morning.

Now you’re not by my side and there is nobody to hold my hand. I’m scared I might forget you so I picture your face in my mind and then I feel your presence beside me. I feel the warmth you give me in that cold night whose stars are out of my reach.

Withered

Autumn is coming. The hawthorn fruits have appeared already. I pick them up, thinking of you. Handful. It’s all I have.

Do you know what they smell like? After all these years they smell like nothing.

After all these years of walking towards a house in the middle of the woods, where so many unexpected things happened, so many intense emotions emerged, where so many painful events took place, it still feels like nothing.

I think, I’ll just wait for the hawthorn to wither.

Will I ever get there?

walks and talks

Believe me or not, but sometimes I speak to people that are not there. To people that my heart longs for, and who are far away. Whose faces fade away in memories that seem like dreams you never really had.

I wish they heard my thoughts back then when we were together. I wish they hear my thoughts right now when our minds are trying to find each other in the clouds.

Traffic lights. They lead me towards you, while I walk the walks you promised me. All alone, I’ve been captured in the town background, waiting for my shadow to follow me.