In a midday of a rising sun there was no sun to warm me up the cold embraced me, soaking me deeply. Words floated into the air messing up with the thoughts unspoken which never wished to come out. Forced, they sank deeper and deeper a lie lingering on my tongue made me believe the words were true. You were there in front of me heavy like a stone in my chest cold like ice in my heart. Numb. The wind was everything you wanted always desired by everyone while I still was a rotten tomato. With every step I take I balance on edge perfectly fine sure no one is there to catch me. Even with you by my side the sadness is still there when I look at myself with your eyes. I’ll always look at you with envy your thin arms around me your silhouette in the background. I’ll always be one step behind you following like a ghost, invisible between trees that belonged to both of us. So differently alike we shared our misery and secrets that everyone could see and they said nothing. I said something not anything wrapping my scarf around your neck suddenly left hollow, empty.
What if I’m not alive if it’s not reality if I imagined all this. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the desert [of souls] not knowing who I am unable to see. What if it’s a dream if I lived an illusion meeting other people’s needs. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the ocean [of bodies] not knowing who I am unable to swim. What if it’s not my life if I lived not being myself if I forgot who I am. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the woods [of bones] not knowing who I am unable to walk.
I climbed the highest building fighting down my fears of falling to the void where I lived without you. I sat on the edge risking everything I had only to show you how bright the sky was. I waited there for you to show up so I could tell you the words I kept in my chest.
But I’d fallen asleep waiting for you and my dreams were full of stories I couldn’t remember. None of them looking like you. They had skin ripped off from their faces. Screaming out painfully blurred words.
And you were there squeezing my hand so hard I could feel the pain running through my veins. You brought me to the light where everyone could see us bleeding out together and they did nothing. So, I stood there let them gnawing on your bones until you disappeared appeared in my nightmares.
Tangled in the stars that spoke and asked questions uncomfortable but lovable vanished to memories like a crystal on a finger cold in the heart but still vivid that is broken to pieces shattered on the floor.
In that moment I felt that there is a piece a piece of me which I’ve missed which cannot be found. By me by you by anybody. A piece that was lost many years ago amid desert’s sands of our relationship.
I wasted so many mornings only lying in bed. You wasted so much time trying to show me the beauty I didn’t want to see. You were always there waiting for me wanting me to start living. I wasted so many mornings. Don’t ask me why I was blind. Don’t ask my why I was deaf. When I finally woke I hoped everything would change. It was too late, though you weren’t there any longer waiting to show me the world. Now you’re telling me to go back where I was. Now you’re threatening me to show me the ugliness I don’t want to see. Now you’re asking me to waste every morning.
Please kill me you won’t regret anything but dead bodies. Please let me go for I wouldn’t like to see disappointment in your eyes. You cannot control it and I don’t know either when it will come after me. Do you hate me so much? that you make me look at all this? You know you have to kill me before I kill you so that I could finally forget. Please let me Let yourself forget me Please kill me
I’m not here to make a change neither to speak up. I stand in a row do what I’ve been told. I’m not here to explain neither to give lessons. I follow the crowd do what I’m expected. I’m not here to tell you what to do neither to judge your mistakes. I’m a grain of sand nobody will notice me. I’m not here. I’m here to speak my truth compose every piece. I’m here to express my feelings show the pain in every word. I’m here to voice my thoughts hidden between verses. I’m here I’m not here though.