15.

In a midday of a rising sun
there was no sun to warm me up
the cold embraced me, soaking in deeply.
Words floated into the air
messing up with the thoughts unspoken
which never wished to come out.
Forced, they sank deeper and deeper
a lie lingering on my tongue
made me believe the words were true.
You were there in front of me
heavy like a stone in my chest
cold like ice in my heart. Numb.
The wind was everything you wanted
always desired by everyone
while I still was a rotten tomato.
With every step I take
I balance on edge perfectly fine
sure no one is there to catch me.
Even with you by my side
the sadness is still there
when I look at myself with your eyes.
I’ll always look at you with envy
your thin arms around me
your silhouette in the background.
I’ll always be one step behind you
following like a ghost, invisible
between trees that belonged to both of us.
So differently alike we shared our misery
and secrets that everyone could see
and they said nothing.
I said something not anything
wrapping my scarf around your neck
suddenly left hollow, empty.

What if?

What if I’m not alive
if it’s not reality
if I imagined all this.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the desert [of souls]
not knowing who I am
unable to see.
What if it’s a dream
if I lived an illusion
meeting other people’s needs.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the ocean [of bodies]
not knowing who I am
unable to swim.
What if it’s not my life
if I lived not being myself
if I forgot who I am.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the woods [of bones]
not knowing who I am
unable to walk.

© W. Donovan

Nightmares

I climbed the highest building
fighting down my fears
of falling to the void
where I lived without you.
I sat on the edge
risking everything I had
only to show you
how bright the sky was.
I waited there
for you to show up
so I could tell you
the words I kept in my chest.

But I’d fallen asleep
waiting for you
and my dreams
were full of stories
I couldn’t remember.
None of them
looking like you.
They had skin ripped off
from their faces.
Screaming out
painfully blurred words.

And you were there
squeezing my hand
so hard I could feel the pain
running through my veins.
You brought me to the light
where everyone could see us
bleeding out together
and they did nothing.
So, I stood there
let them gnawing on your bones
until you disappeared
appeared in my nightmares.

© W. Donovan

Infinity

Tangled in the stars
that spoke
and asked questions
uncomfortable but lovable
vanished to memories
like a crystal on a finger
cold in the heart
but still vivid
that is broken to pieces
shattered on the floor.

© W. Donovan

Piece

In that moment
I felt that
there is a piece
a piece of me
which I’ve missed
which cannot be found.
By me
by you
by anybody.
A piece that was lost
many years ago
amid desert’s sands
of our relationship.

© W. Donovan

To waste

I wasted so many mornings
only lying in bed.
You wasted so much time
trying to show me the beauty
I didn’t want to see.
You were always there
waiting for me
wanting me to start living.
I wasted so many mornings.
Don’t ask me why
I was blind.
Don’t ask my why
I was deaf.
When I finally woke
I hoped everything would change.
It was too late, though
you weren’t there any longer
waiting to show me the world.
Now you’re telling me
to go back where I was.
Now you’re threatening me
to show me the ugliness
I don’t want to see.
Now you’re asking me
to waste every morning.

© W. Donovan

Kill me [VIII]

Please kill me
you won’t regret anything
but dead bodies.
Please let me go
for I wouldn’t like to see
disappointment in your eyes.
You cannot control it
and I don’t know either
when it will come after me.
Do you hate me so much?
that you make me look at all this?
You know you have to kill me
before I kill you
so that I could finally forget.
Please let me
Let yourself forget me
Please kill me

© W. Donovan

Grain

I’m not here to make a change
neither to speak up.
I stand in a row
do what I’ve been told.
I’m not here to explain
neither to give lessons.
I follow the crowd
do what I’m expected.
I’m not here to tell you what to do
neither to judge your mistakes.
I’m a grain of sand
nobody will notice me.
I’m not here.
I’m here to speak my truth
compose every piece.
I’m here to express my feelings
show the pain in every word.
I’m here to voice my thoughts
hidden between verses.
I’m here
I’m not here though.

© W. Donovan

Inscrutable

Hold my hand
and I’ll tell you
what is in my soul.

Give me a hug
and you’ll become
the only one
I can think of.

Lie down with me
on the ground
firm like a glass
you cannot see through
it’s inscrutable.

Hold my hand
while I won’t hold yours
flow beneath the surface
only thinking of it
when you give me everything
I give you nothing.

© W. Donovan