Where am I?

It happened. Officially, I’ve become one of potatoes.

I’ve got what I asked for, what I wanted. Partially, at least.

How do I find it?

I just wanted to be independent and live the way I wanted. Earning money, though, has taken up all my time. I’ve been stolen the hours that I’d been putting aside all my life. What do we even need money for?

Where am I in all this?

Leaving at dawn, coming back at dusk
I’ve lost myself in the time
week after week
it’s playing tricks on me
and I’m too tired
to say ‘good morning’
rotting in bed
for long hours.

I can already see my grave from the distance.

Lone(ly)

What have happened? Has something changed?

Some time ago I set myself a goal. I’d been so certain about it, about what I wanted. Everything had gone wrong, though, and I was still hanging tightly on that perfectly written song, I did not allow to make it happen. I stepped back because I was afraid that everything would fell apart. And then it did.

Now I know that I’ll never get rid of fear and insecurity. I have to move forward no matter what.

Walking along the paths of my broken dreams, I’ve felt lonely. I felt like I needed someone next to me. Just to hold me. That’s all…

Even though I was always lost and always alone with my thoughts, I enjoyed my solitude. I’ve been on my own since I remember. I don’t mind it. I am my own best friend.

But lately… I wished some company. Someone I could watch the sunrises with. Someone I could hug with on the sofa while watching a movie.

Then I longed for him more than ever.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

And I don’t like it.

Just live

I don’t want anything anymore.

I’m abandoning my dreams, my wishes.

I want life to be nothing,

hollow space

where I can tuck up and fall asleep.

I don’t want your fake love

and your pretend kindness.

I don’t want your attention

and your affection.

I don’t want money,

shiny cars

and expensive clothes.

The only thing I want

is to live

just live

just be.

But I’m not sure

how to…

Fortress

I’m sitting on the kitchen floor, listening to the water drops dripping from the tap, and I’m thinking whether they already know or not.

Have they found out this evening? Do they really give it a second thought or they’re too busy with their own lives?

People who know you for many years, like your family and friends, they already know what you are, so being with them you can simply be you. But people who you’ve met recently, they know nothing about you. Therefore, being around them is more difficult because you don’t really know how to be… you.

There is too many questions, too many talks, too many odd looks, too much lack of understanding.

I know I am different, I can see that, I cannot explain that. But also I don’t want to change that. Force myself to fit in.

I am a fortress, I keep secrets inside.

Unwanted

The other day I watched a movie called ‘The Milk of Sorrow’. Sad and dramatic as it was, it somehow explained something that was happening in my life.

Even though my mother told me that she wanted to have another baby [me], I found it hard to believe that this was true. Feeling, what I’ve been feeling for all those years, I still hardly believe it.

I’ve always felt unwanted.

It didn’t matter what people said about me. Good daughter, loyal friend, diligent student. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Being around all those happy people, brought me down even more. To the point where the only thing I want to do is to pick flowers in heaven.

Tell me, Mother.

Bitter have I become, drinking the milk of sorrow.

Tell me, Mother.

Circles and triangles

I don’t know what I want.

I’ve planned my whole life. I wanted to get a job that I was good at and I wanted to move out of the town that I didn’t like. Every day, I imagined myself living far away from here in my new home and doing things I like. Simple, isn’t it?

How could it all fall apart? The job limited my creativity, people were talking on and on. My new home was made from paper, easy to burn down. The town was rotten to its roots, wouldn’t grow a single sunflower.

Where am I now?

What do I want?

I want to wake up in the morning and watch the mist clear above the woods and fields, drinking coffee on a patio.

I want to leave the house at dawn and climb a mountain only to watch the sunrise.

I want to drive somewhere, for the sake of driving.

I want to leave the house at sunset and walk the streets of a town, watching it fall asleep, waiting for lights.

Is that all what I should do?

Have I?

My mother has told me lately that I lost the joy of life. I thought: ‘Oh, have I?’ She made me think about what ‘joy’ really means. Is it joy when you pet your dog, and he jumps on you and licks your face? Then you laugh and beg him to stop.

Or is it joy when you put a smile on, pretending that you’re happy because you’ve just started a new job.

Can you tell the difference? Can you recognize it?

I don’t understand how some people can smile and be joyful all the time. Nice to everyone around them. That must be draining… because are they really? Are they really like this when no one is looking?

Have I lost the joy of life? No. In order to lose something, you have to own it in the first place.

Made up

Last week I picked a chair at one of the neatly organised desks and folded some paper, so I could write numbers in columns. Soon after, the numbers blurred away when my eyes started daydreaming.

I was sat there, looking out the window, where the wind was free and he led the leaves to their destination. I shouted after him, but the glass was soundproof. I wanted to catch him, but my fingers were stuck by glue.

Why didn’t I feel content when I’d chosen this room myself?

I looked around me, at the people bent over the desks. Nobody saw it, nobody listened. I made everything up in my head. Again.

I looked at the people and I envied them. Their simple minds, simple jobs, simple lives. They’re grateful for their jobs. They’re happy to be alive, surrounded by the loved ones. That’s all what mattered.

What is there that I’m looking for? Bored already by the plainly written words on the folded sheet of paper. What is there?

I don’t know who I am

I don’t know who I am.

I look in the mirror and I see my face. I know what it looks like. I know my name. I know where I was born. But I still don’t know who I am.

Once, I was told that I was just a tramp. Trash. Nobody.

I believed them.

I’ve been struggling my whole life to believe that I am actually worth something. I feel unwanted and pushed down to the bottom, despite my skills and knowledge I meticulously acquired. I feel unworthy everyday.

Every day I swim in the oceans too heavy for my soul.

Is anyone there?

I’ve fallen into a rabbit hole. Everything seems like a dream, except for everything is true.

And everything I wanted to be true now is in limbo. I don’t know what to do because, whatever I’ll do, I know I won’t be satisfied either way. That frustrate me so much that I want to run away far away, where I can’t read and listen and see anything that is unwelcome by my inner self.

That’s my life now.

Why has it happened when I started understanding things and wanting things to be my way?

Because I wanted everything at once and now I have to pay for it.

I look at the time, feel it escaping from under my feet. The ground full of dull colours tries to tie my legs, so I run through the forest of leafless trees. The crying branches painfully cut my skin and squeeze my body in their strong grips. I feel like I can’t breathe… The deck of cards is after me, wanting to suck the paint out of me.

Maybe this is it. Maybe that’s where it ends.