Coming back

I looked forward to coming back home, but as I drove puddles cut my way. I had to stop. I got out of my car, stepping straight into a swamp and staining my neat shoes. I knew the marks would never come off.

There was no coming back.

I remembered the home from the old times. When you were there, waiting for me, brewing tea, sitting in a chair. That was what I hoped to come back to.

Even though I perfectly knew you, I completely forgot who you were and what you did to me. I just missed you. I wanted you to sit next to me.

You always said what you felt, but I never wanted you to love me. Now I want nothing but you to love me.

There is no coming back.

Only

You look at me. And what do you see?

You see what you want to see. You create the image that you want to create. You’ve already made up your mind about me.

And when I suddenly speak up, you’re surprised because you thought I could only politely nod my head with agreement.

You’re surprised when I climb a mountain because the look on my face clearly indicated that I’d been lost in woods.

And you’re shocked when I cover my hands with dirt because you thought the only thing I could do was to put a lipstick on.

I’ve given everything to the world, not expecting anything in return, only to become a person that you cannot see.

How many years have I been here? Where have I been before? How did they find me, if I’d been covered up by snow?

I only grow on the land that I’ve been allied to. When you pull me out, there is nothing to quench my thirst. I wither.

wise are the witches

Knowing

Once upon a time there was a girl. She read a lot of books and studied hard every subject at school. She was good at everything she did and everyone had told her that she would achieve a great success in the future.

Spending every evening in her room, she read more and more books. As she read them, surprisingly, the world became more and more complicated and enigmatic. She kept going, though, because she’d been told that knowledge is important.

Once there was a competition in class. The girl answered correctly every question and won it. The whole class and the teacher gave her applause. Only then did she realize that knowing everything she actually knew nothing.

Only then did she realize that everything she learned from the books was useless for the life she wanted to have.

Where would I go?

You probably know what you want in your life. I mean… most of the time. You know what you want to do after work today, you know where you want to go on your holiday, you know what car you want to buy, you know that you want to have a partner and children. But do you know what you really need?

I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew what I needed. Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I know nothing.

I finally broke out of the suspension that made me miserable for quite a long time. I had planned my future in my dreams and now was the time to make those plans true. But in your dreams everything is easier.

I approached my new life and I knew what to do. Yet I was stood there, tears running down my face hiding behind a mask I worn that day because I didn’t want anyone to read my emotions. I wasn’t well that day. I wanted to drop everything and just leave. Get in my car and drive somewhere far away where thoughts don’t exist. But there’s no such place, is it?

Of course, I didn’t do it… What would I do? Where would I go? My inner self wanted to go to woods and walk until I would find myself. But I’m not a wolf. I’m a scaredy-cat, I wouldn’t survive there.

Will I ever come back to you?

I might have figured out why I run away all the time. I might have figured out why I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was born in the wrong place.

Once I’d found it, I abandoned it… and never I shall touch it with my eyes. Never I shall listen to its silence. I wish I could go back in time.

A substitute is always a substitute.

‘Shore’

So… it has come. I’ve got another job and I’m about to move to a place I’ve wanted to move to for the past few months. Why am I not excited then? Like I was in my dreams when I was imagining it all? Suddenly, choosing furniture and paintings on the walls seems to be like obligation, not pleasure.

I finally broke out of the place that, I thought, had been suffocating me. I expected to walk out with no regrets, stepping into a new life lived on my own rules. Instead, everything is wrong. Since I left a place where everyting was familiar. Since I left people who, I didn’t realize, were like family to me. Since I couldn’t stop crying for five days.

In such haste, I forgot to give it a second thought. Where was the point to relocate to very much the same job but in a different place? In a huge nameless company where no one remembers your name. Where you’re just a number on a paper wall. Where you cannot really progress and grow your skills. Where you are assigned to a position created by your past, not by your interests. Where you cannot really show your creativity and ability.

Am I living delusions again?

The truth is, only you know yourself, only you know who you really are. All the new people that you meet, they know nothing about you. They just look at your face and either like it or not. They judge your expression and the level of disability read from your resume.

How long will I survive?

Will the fear go away? Will I feel safe in the place, where I expect to find a home?

Oh, God… I’m such a bad blogger. Forgive me.

What if?

What if I’m not alive
if it’s not reality
if I imagined all this.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the desert [of souls]
not knowing who I am
unable to see.
What if it’s a dream
if I lived an illusion
meeting other people’s needs.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the ocean [of bodies]
not knowing who I am
unable to swim.
What if it’s not my life
if I lived not being myself
if I forgot who I am.
What then?
I’ll wake suddenly
among the woods [of bones]
not knowing who I am
unable to walk.

© W. Donovan

Nightmares

I climbed the highest building
fighting down my fears
of falling to the void
where I lived without you.
I sat on the edge
risking everything I had
only to show you
how bright the sky was.
I waited there
for you to show up
so I could tell you
the words I kept in my chest.

But I’d fallen asleep
waiting for you
and my dreams
were full of stories
I couldn’t remember.
None of them
looking like you.
They had skin ripped off
from their faces.
Screaming out
painfully blurred words.

And you were there
squeezing my hand
so hard I could feel the pain
running through my veins.
You brought me to the light
where everyone could see us
bleeding out together
and they did nothing.
So, I stood there
let them gnawing on your bones
until you disappeared
appeared in my nightmares.

© W. Donovan