You probably know what you want in your life. I mean… most of the time. You know what you want to do after work today, you know where you want to go on your holiday, you know what car you want to buy, you know that you want to have a partner and children. But do you know what you really need?
I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew what I needed. Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I know nothing.
I finally broke out of the suspension that made me miserable for quite a long time. I had planned my future in my dreams and now was the time to make those plans true. But in your dreams everything is easier.
I approached my new life and I knew what to do. Yet I was stood there, tears running down my face hiding behind a mask I worn that day because I didn’t want anyone to read my emotions. I wasn’t well that day. I wanted to drop everything and just leave. Get in my car and drive somewhere far away where thoughts don’t exist. But there’s no such place, is it?
Of course, I didn’t do it… What would I do? Where would I go? My inner self wanted to go to woods and walk until I would find myself. But I’m not a wolf. I’m a scaredy-cat, I wouldn’t survive there.
When I look at the sky at night, and the stars are shining bright, I think about you because we first met when the night was deep and cold. The town lights on the other side of the river gave us hope and the warmth we’d seeked.
But we could only watch it from afar for we’d been expelled from the place with cracked paths surrounding the trees whose leaves had been singing for us every morning.
Now you’re not by my side and there is nobody to hold my hand. I’m scared I might forget you so I picture your face in my mind and then I feel your presence beside me. I feel the warmth you give me in that cold night whose stars are out of my reach.
Autumn is coming. The hawthorn fruits have appeared already. I pick them up, thinking of you. Handful. It’s all I have.
Do you know what they smell like? After all these years they smell like nothing.
After all these years of walking towards a house in the middle of the woods, where so many unexpected things happened, so many intense emotions emerged, where so many painful events took place, it still feels like nothing.
I think, I’ll just wait for the hawthorn to wither.
Believe me or not, but sometimes I speak to people that are not there. To people that my heart longs for, and who are far away. Whose faces fade away in memories that seem like dreams you never really had.
I wish they heard my thoughts back then when we were together. I wish they hear my thoughts right now when our minds are trying to find each other in the clouds.
Traffic lights. They lead me towards you, while I walk the walks you promised me. All alone, I’ve been captured in the town background, waiting for my shadow to follow me.
So… it has come. I’ve got another job and I’m about to move to a place I’ve wanted to move to for the past few months. Why am I not excited then? Like I was in my dreams when I was imagining it all? Suddenly, choosing furniture and paintings on the walls seems to be like obligation, not pleasure.
I finally broke out of the place that, I thought, had been suffocating me. I expected to walk out with no regrets, stepping into a new life lived on my own rules. Instead, everything is wrong. Since I left a place where everyting was familiar. Since I left people who, I didn’t realize, were like family to me. Since I couldn’t stop crying for five days.
In such haste, I forgot to give it a second thought. Where was the point to relocate to very much the same job but in a different place? In a huge nameless company where no one remembers your name. Where you’re just a number on a paper wall. Where you cannot really progress and grow your skills. Where you are assigned to a position created by your past, not by your interests. Where you cannot really show your creativity and ability.
Am I living delusions again?
The truth is, only you know yourself, only you know who you really are. All the new people that you meet, they know nothing about you. They just look at your face and either like it or not. They judge your expression and the level of disability read from your resume.
How long will I survive?
Will the fear go away? Will I feel safe in the place, where I expect to find a home?
What if I’m not alive if it’s not reality if I imagined all this. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the desert [of souls] not knowing who I am unable to see. What if it’s a dream if I lived an illusion meeting other people’s needs. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the ocean [of bodies] not knowing who I am unable to swim. What if it’s not my life if I lived not being myself if I forgot who I am. What then? I’ll wake suddenly among the woods [of bones] not knowing who I am unable to walk.
I climbed the highest building fighting down my fears of falling to the void where I lived without you. I sat on the edge risking everything I had only to show you how bright the sky was. I waited there for you to show up so I could tell you the words I kept in my chest.
But I’d fallen asleep waiting for you and my dreams were full of stories I couldn’t remember. None of them looking like you. They had skin ripped off from their faces. Screaming out painfully blurred words.
And you were there squeezing my hand so hard I could feel the pain running through my veins. You brought me to the light where everyone could see us bleeding out together and they did nothing. So, I stood there let them gnawing on your bones until you disappeared appeared in my nightmares.