Raised by Wolves

Pretty little girl talking to you
so innocent, so cheerful
dressed in frills and smiles
her blushed cheeks, her red lips
What makes her real
when you touch her hand
she shyly looks in your eyes
the look of an angel.

The things you see
they’re not always real
Not speaking, listening
but you can’t really hear the thoughts.
Sit straight, don’t breathe
dress in white, always smile
Walk like a lady
do your nails, do your hair.

That’s all you see
that’s all you want to know
You never wonder
about the story hidden behind
You can’t really see
how dark her soul is
Marks under her skin
carved by the rules.

Just leave your hair down
let the wind to play with it
Run barefoot between trees
let your skin to be scratched
Jump into the river
let it steal your heart
Sleep under the stars
let them steal your dreams.

I make a move
because I know you’re watching
say things you want to hear
but I don’t mean them
I cover my head to hide
but in fact I want to be noticed
ignore you every day
just to draw your attention.

That’s what you want to believe in.
That’s your only explanation.

All the things that were supposed to
make me authentic, made me fake.

I don’t miss you

Do you know that feeling when someone from your surroundings suddenly decides to leave? One of your colleagues, your friend, a member of your family.

Then everyone gathers for a leaving party in a garden or pub. There is music on, people are chatting, drinks on the table. Familiar scents hit you and you just want to have a good time in a good company, not thinking about tomorrow. Because tomorrow will arise in different places for both of you.

Everything what’s good must end eventually, apparently, suddenly. And you’re left only with what’s uncomfortable and bitter. Left with responsibilities.

That party ends tonight and everyone has to say ‘goodbye’, so you also say ‘goodbye, I’ll miss you’ and you really mean it because you feel like you liked that person. At that time…

Are you really going to miss them?

You wake up the next day, drink coffee and go to work. You have your own life to live. Do you give a second thought to them, since they far away and you’re probably not going to meet again? Where is he? What is she doing when she’s not here?

The truth is, I rarely miss people, even though I say it out loud, even though I feel like I could. When you speak and speak. When there’s no end. When you ask and ask, but you don’t want to know about things that no one wants to know about. When you’re not someone special to me, I will not, actually, miss you. I don’t miss you.

Affection

Affection. You know that feeling, right?

The question is: WHAT makes you feel that way about someone? Is it a true feature that someone holds or an imagined picture in your head about them?

I was in front of screen, busy with my work. Suddenly interrupted by him, I accidentally spilled my thoughts. I don’t do it often… Only then did I saw it in his eyes.

He’s been so cheerful around me ever since. Finding excuses to talk to me, only gently, so that I wouldn’t find out. But I knew already. I always know.

You pretend not to see, of course, because it’s easier that way. It’s a bit of fun and you don’t mind really. You quite like him and enjoy talking to him, even though not talking to him wouldn’t do any difference to you.

Sometimes you feel uncomfortable, but sometimes flattered somehow. So you try to be nice and you engage more and more, starting to say things that you wouldn’t say to anyone else.

Where does it lead you?

You start wondering what is there that he likes about you so much. Is it real? Is it going to bore him one day? Will he still like you when you make a stupid mistake? Will he still like you when he sees your true face? How long is it going to last? Will he loathe you for all the features that he used to love you for? I don’t know if it’s real and how much sincerity is in it.

Feeling overwhelmed and dizzy most of the time, he finds it inappropriate. Afraid of a bond that might form between us, he backs out. With regret, though. Once showing me affection, now he ignores me. Heavy-hearted, he pops the soap bubble, unknowingly pouring his bitterness all over me. And it hurts.

I slowly shut down like a sunflower.

I’m back

Hi everyone. I haven’t been here for a while, as there was a lot going on in my life and I simply didn’t have time to write. But I’ve missed you all dearly and I have a lot to tell you (I mean the stories I ‘store’ in my head).

So, I’m back now. Even though I’m not sure how this blog should look like and how to continue it. But I’ll figure it out. I’m still quite busy and I’m writing the last chapter of my poetry collection, that’s why I may not post regularly. Bear with me, though, don’t go anywhere. I still have a lot to tell you… I have to let my voice out.

Now, enjoy the story.


So, I met a girl.

She was dark and mysterious with the look in her eyes saying: ‘I’m tough, nothing can bring me down.’ She walked with confidence, not smiling, not showing any weakness. Turned out, that was just a shell, just an impression.

I had no intention to meet her closer, I didn’t want that. She was intimidating and scary to me. Just the fact I could watch her from afar was more than enough to me. Her beauty and her ignorance were putting me off.

How did it happen then? How did I meet her?

It just happened because things just happen in life.

As soon as we started talking, I quickly realized she wasn’t what she’d appeared to be. It was just a mask that she’d put on every day to protect herself. And how can I blame her? People are cruel, people don’t understand, they don’t like otherness. And she was, indeed, different.

She was very sensitive, lonely, lost and deeply unhappy. I could only guess her reasons for that. Despite the fact she was true and always said what she was feeling and thinking, I knew she wasn’t completely honest with me. There was something more to that. And I couldn’t quite point it out.

She told me once that I can always speak to her when I feel like I need a friend. But it wasn’t me who needed a friend and I knew that. I did nothing, though. She was giving me signals that I ignored.

Didn’t I want her to be my friend? Maybe.

The truth is, she was intense. Very intense. Difficult to speak to sometimes. Too sensitive and emotional. She needed to be taken care of. And I’m SO the wrong person to do it. (Even plants die with me.)

Did I want her gone? Maybe.

And so she is. Gone. Now I’m wondering if it was my fault. Maybe I should engage more in that relationship. You don’t meet someone whom you can have a true connection with every day. I know that now. You miss it once you had it.

I wish I’d never known her the way I had.

But is it really true?

Of course it isn’t. She was my emotional reflection in the mirror. She knew about me more that I know. Right from the start she knew what I was. She revealed my true name. So, after all, she was my biggest blessing.

Appreciation

Are co-workers your friends? I doubt it. They’re just co-workers. Some of them you like more, some less, about most of them you don’t really care.

There is that guy at work who always says ‘Good morning’ to me, every day. We’re not friends or anything. We only speak about things related to work. I sort of like him for that. He’s always polite, and his smiley face is like the sun in a rainy day.

I remember one morning. I was really tired after a night full of nightmares. The only thing I wanted that day was to be invisible. Then the storm arrived and destroyed me. I didn’t respond to his ‘Hi’.

My head was spinning, I wasn’t myself. But this wasn’t supposed to be an excuse. I was really rude to someone I liked, to someone who was always nice to me. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I heard him say that, yet I decided to ignore him. Why? My moodiness has no limits.

I regretted my ignorance right away. I wanted to fix it, but I really didn’t know how. It was too late. Everything I built in myself collapsed. I can only imagine how bad he must have felt. He must have wondered how possibly he had offended me that I showed him such ignorance. He must have thought it was his fault.

(On the other hand, I might be completely wrong about him. Maybe this situation didn’t have any impact on him. Maybe it didn’t touch his feelings at all. After all, I was just another co-worker whom he just has to be nice to.)

You see, you never really know what impact you have on someone’s life until you hurt them.

How does the story end? Turns out his kindness was real. Real and more powerful than my moodiness and ignorance. I feel like I don’t deserve it… That made me realise I should appreciate more the people in my life.

I am water

There once was a drop of water, who had lived on a small leaf near to the ground. She spent there all days disappearing silently into the air at night and appearing again in the morning as dew. Always sitting on the same leaf.

One day, the wind whiffed low and gently brushed the leaf with the drop of water on it. The wind stopped there swirling around.

‘What are you doing here, drop of water?’ he asked.

‘I live here, that’s my home,’ she responded.

‘Why is that? Shouldn’t you flow with the stream?’ the wind couldn’t understand.

‘No, it’s dangerous,’ she said.

‘Shouldn’t you pour down with the rain?’

‘No, that’s too much risk.’

‘Shouldn’t you create waves together with the ocean?’ the wind kept asking.

‘But… I’m scared.’

‘Why are you scared of who you are? Stream, rain, ocean… these are what you’re meant to be.’

‘Of course, these are what I’m meant to be. I am water. I could be anywhere. I just choose to be nowhere,’ the water said and hid behind the leaf.

Everything

What is your first thought when you wake up in the morning?

Where am I? How long have I been here? Who am I going to be today? Who am I going to be for the next five years?

I wanted to be someone new. Someone whose life is exciting and full of adventure. I’d dreamed of my new life every day, pictured it in details and couldn’t wait it to be true.

Everything had been drawn. Everything had been planned…. Everything fell from the cliff into the wild sea I wanted to feel in my heart.

Now I’m standing on the edge. Torn. Either I step back into the comfort of the soft grass or jump to catch my dreams. It’s only a nanosecond and suddenly I find myself calling after the wind who takes everything.

Big announcement!

So here it is, another volume of poetry have just been published by myself. Another collection of words spilled straight from my broken soul. Written with sweat and blood.

It’s been my favourite one – a bit dark but heading towards the light (I think).

Please survive through the whole book, because at the end of it is the best piece I’ve ever written (I think).

Read! Enjoy!

I vanished between the shadows
of my broken soul.

Once

There once was a boy, who climbed a hill every morning to see the sunrise. He was sat on a bench watching the sun warm up the earth. I asked him if he wasn’t tired and bored of watching the same thing every day. He told me that he wouldn’t ever be bored of something that gave him life. I didn’t understand what he meant.

So, the other day I woke up early in the morning to join the boy in watching the sunrise, as I still wasn’t sure what all that was about. I climbed the hill, catching my breath and then, exhausted, I sat on the bench next to the boy. We were sitting in silence, watching the first rays breaking the horizon.

The next day I was so excited to see it again that I almost ran up the hill. But when I reached the bench I noticed that it was empty. The sun was ready to rise, and there was nobody to watch it apart from me. As I sat on the bench I found a notebook left behind. I opened it. Then I understood…

You

I’m standing on a shore, staring at you, and I don’t know what to say. Maybe there’s nothing to say.

I’m standing on an edge, wondering about my life, and I don’t know what to do. Maybe there’s nothing I can do.

I’m standing on a hill, thinking about flying, but I don’t know how to breathe. Maybe there’s no breath in me.

And I sit on that bench. Tired of asking myself questions that have no answers. If I could… if only I could lay my head on your lap, feel the warmth of your body, hear the whisper of your voice, feel your touch on my hand. Then I would know all the answers.

Then I would follow you everywhere, letting you lead me.

I went to the forest, holding your hand. The trees absorbed you. You left me in the darkness. You left me in the cold.

I’m fading.