Knowing

Once upon a time there was a girl. She read a lot of books and studied hard every subject at school. She was good at everything she did and everyone had told her that she would achieve a great success in the future.

Spending every evening in her room, she read more and more books. As she read them, surprisingly, the world became more and more complicated and enigmatic. She kept going, though, because she’d been told that knowledge is important.

Once there was a competition in class. The girl answered correctly every question and won it. The whole class and the teacher gave her applause. Only then did she realize that knowing everything she actually knew nothing.

Only then did she realize that everything she learned from the books was useless for the life she wanted to have.

You lost everything

Yes. I lost everything.

Because I wanted to have a piece of heaven only for myself, and I wasn’t happy in the place I lived. I wasn’t content with myself. I wanted more.

Because I recklessly left everything behind, chasing up the rising sun, and not thinking about the consequences that a twilight might bring.

Because I hoped life was something more than this. I thought life was something more than enduring in a bottomless space where you cannot fly.

Because I wanted peace with the world and silence in the house.

So selfish.

So ungrateful.

I lost everything.

should I give up my dream?

Black skies

I finally stepped out of my comfort zone only to trip over some pieces of porcelain you smashed this morning, wanting me to cut my skin. I kept walking, even though my feet were bleeding, for a saw top of the mountain. It was calling my name.

Suddenly, you grew a wall, high to the skies, so that I couldn’t see anything. My thoughts spinning, spinning, spinning. I fainted.

Lying on the ground I could still feel the touch of the grass, I could see leaves dancing on the wind and airplanes that always caught their dreams.

Then, you threatened to devour it all. The skies, the sun, the trees, the wind and the oceans. I wept bitterly for the beauty I missed on. It was already too late…

Have I ever truly lived, though?

Northern soul

You probably don’t go back to that day. You may not even remember it. But I do.

The day I saw you, even though I thought I would never see you again. The day my heart froze for half a second.

Since that time I cannot stop thinking about you. I cannot stop thinking about all those mistakes that led me to a shore where I grasp for air, where I try to blink the tears away.

My soul longs for you. Although I don’t know where you are, I hope to meet you some day at the other side of the ocean. There everything blooms.

Where would I go?

You probably know what you want in your life. I mean… most of the time. You know what you want to do after work today, you know where you want to go on your holiday, you know what car you want to buy, you know that you want to have a partner and children. But do you know what you really need?

I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew what I needed. Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I know nothing.

I finally broke out of the suspension that made me miserable for quite a long time. I had planned my future in my dreams and now was the time to make those plans true. But in your dreams everything is easier.

I approached my new life and I knew what to do. Yet I was stood there, tears running down my face hiding behind a mask I worn that day because I didn’t want anyone to read my emotions. I wasn’t well that day. I wanted to drop everything and just leave. Get in my car and drive somewhere far away where thoughts don’t exist. But there’s no such place, is it?

Of course, I didn’t do it… What would I do? Where would I go? My inner self wanted to go to woods and walk until I would find myself. But I’m not a wolf. I’m a scaredy-cat, I wouldn’t survive there.

Afar

When I look at the sky at night, and the stars are shining bright, I think about you because we first met when the night was deep and cold. The town lights on the other side of the river gave us hope and the warmth we’d seeked.

But we could only watch it from afar for we’d been expelled from the place with cracked paths surrounding the trees whose leaves had been singing for us every morning.

Now you’re not by my side and there is nobody to hold my hand. I’m scared I might forget you so I picture your face in my mind and then I feel your presence beside me. I feel the warmth you give me in that cold night whose stars are out of my reach.

Withered

Autumn is coming. The hawthorn fruits have appeared already. I pick them up, thinking of you. Handful. It’s all I have.

Do you know what they smell like? After all these years they smell like nothing.

After all these years of walking towards a house in the middle of the woods, where so many unexpected things happened, so many intense emotions emerged, where so many painful events took place, it still feels like nothing.

I think, I’ll just wait for the hawthorn to wither.

Will I ever get there?

walks and talks

Believe me or not, but sometimes I speak to people that are not there. To people that my heart longs for, and who are far away. Whose faces fade away in memories that seem like dreams you never really had.

I wish they heard my thoughts back then when we were together. I wish they hear my thoughts right now when our minds are trying to find each other in the clouds.

Traffic lights. They lead me towards you, while I walk the walks you promised me. All alone, I’ve been captured in the town background, waiting for my shadow to follow me.

Will I ever come back to you?

I might have figured out why I run away all the time. I might have figured out why I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was born in the wrong place.

Once I’d found it, I abandoned it… and never I shall touch it with my eyes. Never I shall listen to its silence. I wish I could go back in time.

A substitute is always a substitute.

I wonder where you are

A few days ago I went to town to ship a parcel. While I was heading to the post office a man, passing me by, smiled at me. His smile was so familiar that my heart skipped a bit because I thought it was you. I looked over my shoulder, like last time, even though I knew it couldn’t have been you.

Since that time I’ve been wondering where you are.

It’s September the 5th. Almost a year ago I saw you for the last time. I remember that quite well. When I met you, unexpectedly, in that classroom. When you smiled at me. When the cold ruthless wall separated us. I’m sorry I did nothing, even though I still don’t know if you wanted me to do anything at all.

Wherever you are, I hope you make your dreams come true.

Wherever you are, must know that… I fell for you that spring when we talked.

three weeks, three words, three looks