Appreciation

Are co-workers your friends? I doubt it. They’re just co-workers. Some of them you like more, some less, about most of them you don’t really care.

There is that guy at work who always says ‘Good morning’ to me, every day. We’re not friends or anything. We only speak about things related to work. I sort of like him for that. He’s always polite, and his smiley face is like the sun in a rainy day.

I remember one morning. I was really tired after a night full of nightmares. The only thing I wanted that day was to be invisible. Then the storm arrived and destroyed me. I didn’t respond to his ‘Hi’.

My head was spinning, I wasn’t myself. But this wasn’t supposed to be an excuse. I was really rude to someone I liked, to someone who was always nice to me. He didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I heard him say that, yet I decided to ignore him. Why? My moodiness has no limits.

I regretted my ignorance right away. I wanted to fix it, but I really didn’t know how. It was too late. Everything I built in myself collapsed. I can only imagine how bad he must have felt. He must have wondered how possibly he had offended me that I showed him such ignorance. He must have thought it was his fault.

(On the other hand, I might be completely wrong about him. Maybe this situation didn’t have any impact on him. Maybe it didn’t touch his feelings at all. After all, I was just another co-worker whom he just has to be nice to.)

You see, you never really know what impact you have on someone’s life until you hurt them.

How does the story end? Turns out his kindness was real. Real and more powerful than my moodiness and ignorance. I feel like I don’t deserve it… That made me realise I should appreciate more the people in my life.

What I crave

Why is he the first thing in my mind when I wake up? I don’t like it.

OK. It’s time to admit it. I have a big crush on him. It happens and there’s not much I can do about it.

I’ve no idea how and when it even happened. I just started talking to him more often, observing him, thinking of him. The fact that I am near him almost every day doesn’t make it easier. I try not to stare, not to seek, not to desire. I keep telling my heart that the feelings are unwanted by me, that I want them to be gone. But it doesn’t work. You cannot argue with your heart. A fight with your heart is always a lost fight.

What do I actually feel, though? What is a crush? I’ve always felt that being on my own was my destiny. I’ve never felt like I needed someone in my love life. Don’t get me wrong. I really liked a few men in my life, but it never lasted long. I had some sort of feelings for them, but they never felt… right.

Is it different this time? Have I forgotten what a romantic love is? No and no. People say that humans are social species and I agree to that. Everyone craves human contact. But for different people it looks differently. I’ve been telling myself I didn’t need anyone in my life that I actually believed in it. But my heart didn’t. Apparently. In consequence I found myself drawn to a person like him. His face was pretty and friendly, voice warm, posture welcoming, manners blameless. There is no surprise then that my dark and cold self has chosen the light and warmth which it could absorb in to my body.

Thinking of him much, I’ve already created a picture of a kind and warm man who is willing to sacrifice everything for their loved ones. A hero. A man who takes you in his strong arms and kisses you gently, hugs you when you most need it.

That picture is fake, though. I don’t know that man that well. I actually don’t know him at all. I know nothing about him apart from his warm eyes and friendly smile. That picture just came along. Showed me what I craved.

The obsession called love

Everything broke. The Earth stopped spinning. The clock stopped ticking. Time froze.

I was in the middle of a storm in my heart, which only I could feel. Now his face is carved in my mind. I think about him constantly. Why? What makes him so special?

I was standing there. Careless. Suddenly approached by a mixture of scents that accompany me since then. Every day.

I come back home and look in the mirror, seeking flaws that will prove that I’ve been placed in the wrong time sphere.

I go there again and look in his eyes, seeking affirmation for everything I felt. Seeking affection I couldn’t find anywhere else.

Why the hell did I think that he was something special? I was impressed by the power. The looks. The brains. Why the hell do I think that he is something better? Just a human. Flesh and bone.

Yet, I’m stood there, feeling unworthy of one even look in my direction, one even word said to me, a bit of interest in my life.

I paint myself invisible and I leave, for I know for sure what I feel. I’m not in love, neither do I love him. I’m obsessed with him.

The obsession called love.

How much longer?

This life I’m living, it seems not to be mine. It hasn’t felt like my life for many years now.

Some things have changed in my life lately, but some have stayed the same. Maybe I’m a little bit closer to find myself.

Sometimes I live in the past, though. I miss the friends I used to have. I want to go to the places that I used to go to. I keep seeking the books that I used to hold in my hands. Except, this all is long gone.

I want so badly to get out of that maze. I want to get all the things that belong to me. Catch the wind in my backpack. Stain my favourite jeans with the ink of my wounds. Read the words aloud. Tell the whole world about scars marring my skin.

I’ve been waiting for so long. How much longer?

Jealousy

Jealousy is silly. Silly and unreasonable.

I watch from afar and envy lives that I’ll never possess. Such a waste of time. I watch from afar, jealous of men that I’ll never want.

When you love someone… How can you be sure that they love you back? Trust. You can’t follow them everywhere they go. You can’t forbid them to speak to other people. You can’t control them. You can’t make them love you.

I am a jealous woman. Why? Maybe because I was abandoned when I was a child. Maybe because I’ve never felt pretty. Pretty and feminine enough to be a damsel in distress for all the men who constantly want to feel useful in society. There is always someone better than you.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly alright on my own. Still, there comes the attraction and suddenly you find yourself lost in an ocean, with water filling your lungs. And you know… you’re sure that the water is deathly for you cannot breathe.

Knowing that you cannot swim and never will you be able to, you sink in it. Further and further away from the blue skies above you. And you don’t grab that chance waiting for you, until it’s too late and the only thing you can do is to collect shells from the bottom of your broken soul.

I’m sat now, crying. Jealousy and bitterness running down my spine. Will I ever touch his face?

Promise

I usually don’t care whether people like me or not. I don’t make friends with many of them. They come and go, only making you miss them.

However, there are certain people in your life whom you like and whose opinion matters to you. Then comes the fear that they might not like you back and you’re trying so much to be the best version of yourself. You want to be funny, cool and nonchalant only to be liked by that person.

But I have to be honest with myself. These people who speak to me a lot, they also speak a lot to others the same way. They don’t speak to you because they want to form a bond with you, but because it’s the way they are. They are nice to everyone, they talk to everyone but they really like no one.

I am a quiet person and I’ve been caught in that trap many times. I talk to chatty people because they talk to me, and then I feel that they are special to me. But you… you are nothing to them. Just another talking mouth.

Untitled

You were right there. Looking exactly the same like yesterday. Being exactly the same person as yesterday. At least, I thought so.

I approached you and asked if the new job you were doing was more interesting, better than the one you used to do with me.

Suddenly, the sky cracked, and you said words I couldn’t understand. I forgot we weren’t really friends.

Only then did I realise that you belonged to another dimension.

You belong to a world
where the stars are fading
where the rain is burning your skin
where the sunrises are alone and blue
where the snow is covering you with shame
where the only thing you want are numbers

and your eyes are losing the shine.

I’m sorry. I’ve mistaken you for someone else.

Baby blue

I didn’t feel happy with my life so I’d decided to start all over.

I thought that finding a new job and moving out from the town I didn’t like would have changed something. But nothing has changed.

I’m still trapped in my mind.

More than leaving the town, I rather wanted to run away from my life. vanish. evaporate…

What is there that needs to be changed?

Because…

I thought I would pick daisies

but flowers don’t grow without sun

that I’m constantly deprived of.

Where am I?

It happened. Officially, I’ve become one of potatoes.

I’ve got what I asked for, what I wanted. Partially, at least.

How do I find it?

I just wanted to be independent and live the way I wanted. Earning money, though, has taken up all my time. I’ve been stolen the hours that I’d been putting aside all my life. What do we even need money for?

Where am I in all this?

Leaving at dawn, coming back at dusk
I’ve lost myself in the time
week after week
it’s playing tricks on me
and I’m too tired
to say ‘good morning’
rotting in bed
for long hours.

I can already see my grave from the distance.

Lone(ly)

What have happened? Has something changed?

Some time ago I set myself a goal. I’d been so certain about it, about what I wanted. Everything had gone wrong, though, and I was still hanging tightly on that perfectly written song, I did not allow to make it happen. I stepped back because I was afraid that everything would fell apart. And then it did.

Now I know that I’ll never get rid of fear and insecurity. I have to move forward no matter what.

Walking along the paths of my broken dreams, I’ve felt lonely. I felt like I needed someone next to me. Just to hold me. That’s all…

Even though I was always lost and always alone with my thoughts, I enjoyed my solitude. I’ve been on my own since I remember. I don’t mind it. I am my own best friend.

But lately… I wished some company. Someone I could watch the sunrises with. Someone I could hug with on the sofa while watching a movie.

Then I longed for him more than ever.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

And I don’t like it.