So… it has come. I’ve got another job and I’m about to move to a place I’ve wanted to move to for the past few months. Why am I not excited then? Like I was in my dreams when I was imagining it all? Suddenly, choosing furniture and paintings on the walls seems to be like obligation, not pleasure.

I finally broke out of the place that, I thought, had been suffocating me. I expected to walk out with no regrets, stepping into a new life lived on my own rules. Instead, everything is wrong. Since I left a place where everyting was familiar. Since I left people who, I didn’t realize, were like family to me. Since I couldn’t stop crying for five days.

In such haste, I forgot to give it a second thought. Where was the point to relocate to very much the same job but in a different place? In a huge nameless company where no one remembers your name. Where you’re just a number on a paper wall. Where you cannot really progress and grow your skills. Where you are assigned to a position created by your past, not by your interests. Where you cannot really show your creativity and ability.

Am I living delusions again?

The truth is, only you know yourself, only you know who you really are. All the new people that you meet, they know nothing about you. They just look at your face and either like it or not. They judge your expression and the level of disability read from your resume.

How long will I survive?

Will the fear go away? Will I feel safe in the place, where I expect to find a home?

Oh, God… I’m such a bad blogger. Forgive me.

14 thoughts on “‘Shore’

  1. No need for forgiveness here imo. I think we’ve all made similar choices and felt doubts grow afterwards. I find these kind of moves are a double edge sword deal, you leave to grow but also realize only you are pushing yourself to achieve what you want to believe it, idealistically or not. Perhaps this move will provide a new flow of creativity, adventures and certainly new people. As cynical as your assessments sounded regarding how we are first judged by new people, is probably very realistic and accurate.
    If- you’re a bit like me, it takes time to acclimate to certain new things, places and people as well as our own daily perspective of our new home. The worst case scenario might be, you’ve discovered this dream was not all it seemed, it isn’t at all what you want, so moving back near by where you were is a safe option to look forward to. Best of luck either way…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It happens sometimes. The thing you wanted to do or you seek doesn’t excite you and makes you happy that much you had anticipated. Sometimes, you lose interest in that thing when you get it. May be it is because of wait or may be you don’t need it anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Change is hard for everyone, I think, and under almost any circumstance. But we always find a way to move and keep going forward. We’re tougher than we think usually. Hope you’ll be okay sooner than later. Be safe! Good luck with it all.

    Liked by 1 person

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